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Retirement – that magical time in your life where you get to finally kick back, relax and enjoy the fruits of your labour. But before you get too excited about all the naps you’ll be taking and the rounds of golf you’ll be playing, there are a few things you need to know about this new chapter of your life. And what better way to learn about retirement than through a little bit of humour?

First things first, let’s talk about the money. Retirement is supposed to be a time where you no longer have to worry about money, right? Wrong. Unless you’re one of the lucky few who has saved up a small fortune, you’re going to have to live on a budget. And if you’re anything like me, the word “budget” makes you break out in hives.

But fear not, my retirement-bound friends. There are ways to stretch your retirement dollars (which we won’t dive into today).

Now, let’s talk about all the free time you’ll have in retirement. You’ll finally have time to pursue all the hobbies and interests you never had time for while working. But be warned, retirement can be dangerous for some people. Too much free time can lead to boredom, which can lead to a whole host of problems.

One retired friend of mine decided to take up painting as a hobby, which is all well and good. However, she’s now painted every wall in her house a different colour, including the ceilings. She’s even painted the cat. The lesson here is to find a hobby that won’t make you go completely insane.

Another friend of mine decided to take up gardening in retirement. She was so excited to finally have the time to tend to her garden and watch her flowers bloom. However, she quickly learned that gardening is not for the faint of heart. She ended up with blisters on her hands, dirt under her nails and a strange aversion to worms. Retirement may be the time to pursue your passions, but it’s also the time to accept that maybe you’re not cut out for certain things.

Now, let’s talk about travel. Retirement is the perfect time to travel the world and see all the sights you’ve been dreaming of. However, there are some things you need to consider before you start booking your flights.

For example, if you’re planning on backpacking through Europe, remember that hostels are not for the faint of heart. You may have to share a room with strangers, sleep on a bunk bed and use communal bathrooms. If that sounds like your worst nightmare, then maybe consider staying in a hotel.

And if you’re planning on taking a cruise, remember that seasickness is a real thing. You may think you’re immune to it, but trust me, the rocking of the boat will get to you eventually. Pack some motion sickness pills and a few changes of clothes just in case.

Lastly, let’s talk about relationships in retirement. When you’re no longer working, you’ll have a lot more time to spend with your significant other. This can be a wonderful thing, but it can also be a recipe for disaster.

One retired couple I know decided to spend all their time together, which ended up driving them both crazy. They started bickering about everything, from how to load the dishwasher to what to watch on TV. Eventually, they decided to spend a few hours apart each day to pursue their own interests. This may seem like a small thing, but it saved their marriage.

Our humorous retirement tips:

Take up a new hobby, like sleeping in or napping. It's great for your mental and physical health.
When someone asks you what you do all day, just smile and say "whatever I want."
Finally, you can wear tracksuit pants all day without feeling guilty.
Get a new pet, because you finally have the time to give it all the love and attention it deserves.
Take up golfing, because there's no better way to spend an afternoon than driving a little white ball around a big green field.
Enjoy the freedom of never setting an alarm clock again.
Don't forget to take naps - lots of naps!
Take up gardening, because who doesn't want to spend all day digging in the dirt?
If you're feeling nostalgic, bust out your old cassette tapes and listen to them on your Walkman.
Remember that the best part about retirement is not having to deal with office politics anymore!