Loneliness is the silent killer of the baby boomer generation.
Type in “loneliness in retirement” into google.
Tell me what you see…
What you will find is millions of search results from all over the globe, from America, Canada, the UK, India, New Zealand and many results from here at home in Australia.
Loneliness is the silent killer of the baby boomer generation.
In 2022 the rate of suicide for males aged 65–69 was 19.9 deaths per 100,000 population.
And increases significantly for males over the age of 85 with 32.7 deaths per 100,000 population.
In 1966, The Beatles asked us two questions that continue to haunt us to this day.
“Ah, look at all the lonely people,” they sang plaintively in “Eleanor Rigby.”
“Where do they all come from? Where do they all belong?”
Humanity still has no simple answers to the questions in the song written by Paul McCartney and John Lennon.
There are a plethora of lazy answers that you will read on most websites, articles, and hear from many health professionals - find a hobby, join a group, move to a retirement village, find your community or tribe, get a dog or simply take this drug as you are depressed.
Whilst well intended the results highlight it is not that simple.
What I have experienced, is that it is mainly men, whom miss the sense of identity, meaning and purpose that came with their job, the structure and routine it gave their days and the social aspect of having co-workers to engage with.
We see those who put a high value on their employment or attached who they are to their job, are know to have a harder time with retirement, as they feel like they lose their identity and/or place in the community. They no longer feel like they are contributing to the community and do not feel valued.
We see this with professional athletes as well.
Their entire identity is attached to being a professional athlete. Many struggle with depression, unemployment and a lack of a sense of purpose as their retire from professional sport.
Athletes with very strong identities tied to their sport are known to have a harder time with retirement.
Boxing legend Sugar Ray Leonard famously quoted,
“Nothing could satisfy me outside the ring… there is nothing in life that can compare to becoming a world champion, having your hand raised in that moment of glory, with thousands, millions of people cheering you on.”
Leonard’s struggles with retirement were well documented, leading him to suffer from extreme bouts of depression and eventually making repeated comebacks. However, for some, the depression becomes all too encompassing leading to their demise.
The resemblance between retiring professional athletes and retiring Australians is striking.
After 18 years in financial advice, supporting Australians retire each and every year, we have started to see a pattern in several of our male clients as they enter retirement.
What we have heard from these clients and their loved ones, is that they have become isolated and lonely since retiring. With many becoming depressed and there have been two cases now, where a client of ours has tried to take their own lives, as they are trying to navigate with the mental aspect of being pushed out of their job, where they believed they were an asset to the business and valued for over 30+ years, losing their social network, and their purpose.
Being a numbers man, I wanted answers and solutions to try and help not only my existing clients navigating retirement, but also my future clients who are considering retiring in the next 2-10 years.
I don’t ever want to receive a phone call from a client’s loved one to say that they took their own life, due to the struggles of retirement.
So I did want anyone in 2024 would do. I went looking for answers on google.
And what I found was disappointing. It was clear by the thousands of google search results that loneliness in retirement is widespread and that loneliness has a detrimental impact on someone’s health.
However, there were not to many solutions or answers. It was clear that there is no easy fix. There is no, one size fits all. Each individual is unique, with their experiences, family, friends, social network, and set of circumstances. Some of the solutions online that were offered up were appalling, from getting a dog, get a hobby, or make friends. Even merely saying these things out loud to someone in this start could push them further away from people. These simple solutions highlighted the complexity of retirement and how little we know about the mental aspect of retirement.
From my past 18 years in financial advice, I did know a little bit when it comes to preparing for retirement. Particularly ensuring retirees have a purpose, an identity away from employment, a sense of community, feel like they contribute to the community, and feel valued. But again, this is all high level and very superficial. I needed to drill down further to understand this issue in greater detail. So I spent the past few months reading research papers, medical journals, finance articles, websites from retirees articulating their experience, and even speaking to several of my clients, to ensure I had a further grasp of this topic.
What I uncovered was that it is an extremely complex matter, that nobody has answers to.
However, there were a few tips and tricks that I understand may support a number of retirees and those contemplating retiring.
However, before we jump into different strategies to support those that are transitioning into retirement, I wanted to touch on several areas of deflection that we have personally witnessed with our male retiree clients in the past few years.
After initially hearing some of these statements, I thought nothing of them.
Well, to be honest, I found them strange.
How does a client I have been working with for the past 3,4,5 years, who has whinged and complained about their job, their manager, their boss, and the sacrifices they make for their organisation, who wanted nothing more the past few years then to retire and spend time with their family and grandchildren. How does that person get to a position, where they finally have the financial security and financial freedom to retire, to start changing their communication and mindset to say things like:
“I have nothing to retire to, I will keep working. I enjoy work. I may even look to just work 4 days a week.”
As a financial planner, I shrugged this off at first.
I reiterated that your wife wishes to retire and go on adventures, exploring the world with you, creating memories.
To only get a response of “I don’t want to travel. I will stay working.”
Which after my research, is starting to raise a significant number of red flags.
Then there are the deflections from a plethora of clients entering retirement, with the following statements all made to me personally in the past 12 months:
“There have been 13 interest rate rises, we are helping our 30-40 year old kids pay their mortgage as they are finding it tough.” - After gifting their children $300,000 each 4 years ago.
“I am concerned we are going to outlive our money.” - After our projections illustrate they will have over $2m in investable assets at age 100.
“Our capital is only going to last 50 years, before we need to consider selling our properties and/or downsizing. That is not enough. I will keep working for a few more years” - from a 70 year old, whom is unlikely to exceed their life expectancy by 35 years.
“Inflation is going to diminish our capital. I need to keep working” - After our projections illustrate that they will have over $1m in investable assets at age 100, taking into account a 4% inflation rate.
“Work needs me” - before being pushed out of work, due to restructure and not being able to keep up with the speed and technology of the business.
“When my retirement savings/investments reach $X million I will retire.” - a doctor who promised their partner they would retire at this stage, but then as they reached the goal that would have ensured they had more then enough capital for their lifetime and be able to provide a legacy for their children, they move the goal posts, to ensure they do not have to retire.
Now looking back at all these conversations, the deterioration of their health and relationships, maybe I had a bigger role to play to support and foster a deeper conversation that may have brought about different results and consequences.
Maybe a financial planner should no longer be, just the numbers guy!
Have you used any of these phrases or heard loved ones deflect retirement with some of these words?
What we have learned over the years are that many Australians are financially prepared for retirement, but are ultimately unprepared for retirement. Unprepared for becoming socially isolated and lonely.
Loneliness is really the subjective term, it’s the way you feel. Many experts allude to the fact, that you can be lonely amongst 100 people.
There are a plethora of studies that describe social isolation as that objective feeling, where you are socially isolated from people.
These studies highlight the health risks of social isolation including higher rates of dementia, while loneliness has been associated with the increased risk of cardiovascular disease, metabolic and neurological disorders, depression and anxiety.
A recent study in America, highlighted that almost three quarters of older people surveyed, say they feel isolated and more than half of those who feel that way have never spoken to anyone about it.
Despite loneliness being a widespread issue, no one really wants to admit to feeling lonely. As they do not want to be a burden on their family, friends or community.
We have seen loneliness further exacerbated for retiring Australian men, by the fact that men do not seek help.
They don’t seek medical help, social support, don’t seek financial advice, heck even don’t ask for directions.
8 out of 10 calls our office receives is from a female seeking financial advice.
Type in to google: “Why don’t men seek help” and you will find 4,460,000,000 results.
However, part of society (especially older generations) still consider it weak for a man to ask for help. For this reason, more and more men imagine that sharing their struggles makes them look weak and broken. They imagine that as adults, they should be able to handle any emotional, mental or physical challenges they encounter. In addition, some fear they will be judged for asking for help.
Men often aren’t encouraged to talk about their feelings. In fact, sometimes they have been discouraged from doing so.
A recent UK survey highlighted the reasons for men not seeking help:
I’ve learnt to deal with it (40%)
I don’t wish to burden anyone (36%)
I’m too embarrassed (29%)
There is a negative stigma around this type of thing (20%)
I don’t want to admit I need support (17%)
I don’t want to appear weak (16%)
I have no one to talk to (14%)
Given that suicides are so high amongst men (even more so in older men), it serves to highlight the damage that can be caused when men feel like they can’t reach out for support.
The results show that work still needs to be done to lift the stigma that surrounds men asking for help.
Being socially isolated is a bigger issue than just coping with feelings of sadness or disconnectedness. You might’ve heard that lack of social connections can heighten health risks as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. In fact, a U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Murthy raised an alarm about the increase in loneliness across the U.S. calling it an epidemic.
Put simply: Loneliness can lead to a whole slew of mental and physical problems, and can even exacerbate chronic conditions you’ve already been diagnosed with.
We recently had a client that was over the moon to finally be in a position to retire.
They finally retired, and I remember the conversation clearly… they said:
“The first thing I did after I retired was take off my watch. There was nowhere I needed to be.”
However, over the past 18 months I have watched their rapid decline.
They are lonely and depressed, they went from:
smoking 4 cigarettes a day to 30 cigarettes
to having two coffees a day to having six coffees before midday
They were contemplating going back to work part time, even though they hated work.
They admitted that they would rather work then be retired.
They were unprepared for retirement, not financially, but from a social, mental, and physically perspective.
According to the Bureau of Statistics, there were 4.1 million retirees.
In 2020, 140,000 Australians retired at an average age of 64.
As illustrated, not everybody looks forward to retirement with great enjoyment, especially if they have got nobody at home, no family or friends around them.
As a community we need to start encouraging those considering retirement to start thinking about how they are going to manage their retirement years.
Not everyone wants to volunteer or jump into a Men’s Shed and use a hammer or saw. There are too many men that have got to be doing something else, in addition, the recent government alcohol tax hike has beer getting too expensive to be sitting around at your local watering hole and having three or four schooners - as that is $50 in 2024!
But being isolated is something we need to address. We are by nature social animals. We are programmed to need to feel part of something - a community, a network, a part of something bigger than ourselves. Even so, feeling lonely can happen to anyone, even people with seemingly tight-knit social circles. Not having an everyday routine or regular interaction with work colleagues and friends can leave you feeling isolated. This isn't surprising, as it's difficult to get used to a different routine and meeting new people outside of work can feel daunting.
Some of the common conversations we hear during our meetings with retired clients include:
“I seem to have run out of friends since I retired.” It's a sad fact of life that as we get older, people we know die, or move, and circles crumble for one reason or another. In addition, our work social network tends to cease too.
“My husband and I are rather joined at the hip these days, and I keep saying I will join something just to have an outside interest, but I'm dragging my feet at getting round to it."
These conversations are all too common in retirement, which add fuel to the fire around isolation and loneliness. It seems for whatever reason - bereavement, relocation, retirement, a falling out or social phobia - not having any close friends is more common than you may think, especially as you age.
We don’t have the answers or solutions (which for numbers and solution driven people is difficult to say), and it doesn’t look like to many others from around the world do either.
However, we acknowledge that loneliness is the biggest issue to impact our retiring clients lives.
We wanted to share a few things that we have noticed that our clients that are happy in retirement are doing well and several interesting points we have come across in our research when diving further into loneliness in retirement.
We have noticed the difference between those that feel lonely and those that are connected, have purpose and are fulfilled in retirement:
Daily Routine
It can help you feel less lonely if you plan the week ahead and put things in your diary to look forward to each day, such as a walk with a friend in the park, going to the local café for a coffee, visiting your library, getting down to your local sports centre, watching a movie at the cinema, or even checking out the new exhibit at the art gallery or museum.
You can also consider getting involved in local community activities, where this is walking groups, book clubs, bingo, trivia night.
Hello
Just say hello!
Striking up a conversation with a stranger, or someone you meet doing an activity you’re interested in, is key to fostering meaningful social connections.
If it seems uncomfortable, keep some easy icebreakers in your mind.
Create a few go-to questions that you’re comfortable with if you’re going to strike up a conversation with somebody.
A good one for retirement is asking what someone did for work, or where they grew up, or where they live now.
Striking up conversations about sports is another popular one, particular for men.
“Geez what about those Knights hey! Do you think anyone will beat Penrith this year?”
“Any tips for Saturday?”
Don’t wait for people to come and see you - travel to visit them.
One advantage of aging is the public transport is better value. For Pensioners discounts are available for travel on public transport.
If you are feeling down and alone, it is tempting to think that nobody wants to visit you. But often friends, family, and neighbours will appreciate receiving an invitation to come and spend some time with you. Invite them over for lunch, a cuppa or even beers/ wines.
Purpose & Meaning
For many of us, working is about more than just earning money and supporting our family.
It also adds meaning and purpose to our lives. Your job can make you feel needed, productive, useful, valued, provide goals, or simply give you a reason to get out of the house every day.
After retirement, it is important to look for new sources of meaning. Activities that add joy and enrich your life.
It can help if you are not just retiring from something, but retiring to something as well.
Whether that’s fulfilling hobby, volunteering, continuing education, mentoring, for example.
Redefine Your Identity
Many of us define ourselves by what we do for a living.
I even have one client that continues to introduce himself as John Smith, Merewether. As he was so use to introducing himself as John Smith CEO from ‘large corporation’.
After retirement, you can find new ways of defining yourself through non-work related activities and relationships. Where you were once an accountant, you are now a mentor, volunteer, grandparent, student or even artist.
Goals
Set new goals.
You may have already achieved many of your professional goals in life, but it is important to keep setting yourself new goals to strive towards.
Having goals can energize you, provide you with a sense of purpose and support in redefining your identity.
Set goals that challenge and excite you and keep you moving forward in life.
Many retirees find that now they are no longer the family provider, they can focus more on their own dreams.
Keep Active
Get active.
Physical exercise is a very effective way to boost your mood, relieve tension and stress and help you feel more relaxed and positive.
Another way our more fulfilled retirees tackle keeping active, is invite a friend or relative a long for a walk, that way you can get your social interaction along with your physical activity in one hit.
Learn Something New
Whether you want to learn to play a musical instrument, speak a second language, complete a degree, or even learn how to invest in the stock market, these are all great ways to expand your mind, develop new interests and set fresh goals for yourself.
However, it is not just about learning new things.
If you have a longstanding hobby that enriches your life, you have likely earmarked retirement as an opportunity to invest more time to pursuing it. If you have had to sacrifice your hobbies for the sake of your career and family, it may be time to resurrect old interests or nurture new ones, things you have always wanted to try.
Whether that is traveling, nature, sports, or arts.
Join a community - religious group, hobby group, volunteer
Use the knowledge and experience you have gained over a lifetime to give something back to your community.
You will get lots back in return, such as new skills, confidence, feeling valued, contributing to society (something bigger than you), and possibly even make some new friends.
There are endless volunteering opportunities that relish the qualities and skill of retirees, such a patience, experience and calmness.
Become A Mentor
Use the knowledge and experience you have gained over a lifetime to pass on to younger generations.
Whether that is through business mentoring, sporting mentoring or even personally mentoring for all aspects of their life (family/ career/ relationships)
Where you can impart your knowledge and experience to potentially help someone not make the same mistakes that you did, or potentially level them up by understanding how you succeed and how they can apply that to their situation. Sharing the many life lessons you have accumulated over the years.
Explore
The world is a fascinating place just waiting to be explored.
The stories and experiences we hear from our clients is a delight. Listening to the adventures and memories they are creating with their loved ones is truly special to be apart of.
Travel is one of life's greatest teachers. It pulls you out of your comfort zone and plunges you into the unknown. It reveals a world of cultures to explore and people to meet. And it helps you develop virtues like patience and humility.
We have even had clients take their grandchildren on adventures. Exploring a new city together, learning about the history, wildlife, and providing them with the opportunity to get to know their grandkids better, and create memories that both our clients and their grandchildren will carry on for life.
Life is short and the world is wide.
Look After Your Health
Dealing with a major change like retirement can take a toll on your physical and mental health.
In addition to managing stress, finding new purpose, and staying socially and physically active, there are plenty of other ways to keep your body and mind healthy at this time.
It’s normal to experience changes in your sleeping patterns as you age, such as going to bed and waking up earlier. However, it’s not normal to feel tired during the day or frequently wake up feeling unrefreshed. A lack of sleep can exacerbate stress and anxiety so it’s important to address any sleep issues to ensure you’re getting enough good quality sleep.
Enjoying a balanced diet. Instead of being too restrictive with your diet, focus on eating fresh, tasty food in the company of others. Invite friends and family over for a meal, where you can cook and entertain.
Watch how much you drink. When you have time on your hands, it is easy to slip into the habit of drinking too much. Especially if you are feeling lonely, isolated, self medicating your moods may bring short term relief, but will only exacerbate your problems in the long run.
Keep challenging your brain. Whether it’s finding stimulating ways to spend your days, learning a new skill, or playing new games, puzzles or sports, it’s important to keep challenging your brain.
I think the popular press would have us believe that retirement is all beer and skittles but for many people it isn't like that and there is a void.
Whether you are considering retiring or have already retired. Consider the points that have been identified in this article, reach out to family, friends and medical professionals if you need support.
Talk about how you are feeling and try out some of the points we mentioned above. They may not all work or be appropriate for you, but you may find one or two that work for your specific circumstances.
If you are feeling alone, remember you are not alone. There are millions of retirees around the world that have similar thoughts and feelings.
There is no simple solutions, answers or magic pills.
If you have loved ones that have retired, reach out and invite them over for lunch/ dinner. Organise a holiday or adventure you can all experience together and create memories.
At the very least pick up the phone, having a chat to a loved one over the phone can be the next best thing to being with them.
And if you are still concerned with:
your finances,
retirement savings,
how you are going to retire,
if you are going to outlive your money,
Reach out to Newcastle Advisors who can support with putting a plan in place to take the financial stress out of retirement giving you control of your financial future, so you can focus on the physical and mental aspect of retiring.
In addition, we are considering hosting an event to further explore the issues facing those transitioning into retirement and strategies to combat them.
If you would be interested in a workshop that looks to provide you with the tools and education to support your transition to retirement, please leave your details below and we will be in touch.
